Tell me..

Someone tell me why things have been getting crazy hectic in the last few weeks?! My mind has been going crazy tryna figure things out. The first 2 days of school had just flew by but I'd already felt like I have been there for a month because of leadership.. oh boy.

I don't even know.. I always have my mind telling me one thing, but my heart telling me something completely different.. I've always been one to follow my heart regardless of anything else.

I've said in the past that it needs to change but now I'm thinking why does that have to matter. I am who I am, and I have no reason to really change it. If it seems wrong, I don't care anymore. It's better to follow your own instint than to follow someone elses.

-Lisa

Time Flewww.

I fail at updating my blogs. Summer days have just been going by super quick and I'm never home anymore to just sit on my computer and spill :( Oh how I said I would, but didn't. School starts in less than a week and I am not ready at all, anyone reading that book Heart of Darkness and wanna fill me in on it? My mind is just still set on summer mode.

But that's a good thing. I made the most out of every day that passed by. Although I can barely even remember what happened yesterday I spent most of it in good company. Mhmm, that's all I could've really asked for.

I guess I should hit my highlights!

-Got my license and car!

-A job @ love culture

-Leadership has by far been the greatest experience of my life.

-My family has been so close knit lately.

-& for once I feel like I'm on top of things, with no worries :)

This school year is gonna be hard, I can already tell. But it's all gonna be worth it. I can't wait.

-Lisa

My Schedule!

1. Adv. leadership - Hasstedt

2. Physics - Anderson

3. Senior Seminar - Woolf

4. Ecc English - Loucks

5. Pre-calculas - Olsen Kelly

6. Government - Wilson

We got classes ? :)

"They build us up and put us on the tallest pedestal, only to break us down, make us fall from the greatest heights. But it's okay. We pick ourselves up again and build ourselves up, without their help. And if we fall again, it doesn't hurt so much."

:(

---

I don't like that it's already August :( Where are the summer days going to? Someone stop it.

Lauren Conrad Quotes

"I think that everyone can change if the right person comes along... and I think that every girl wants to be the right person. Every girl wants to be the one girl that can change that guy."

"Boys are like purses. You're always gonna have that one boy that you're always comfortable with and you know you'll always kind of like. That's your purse that you wear everywhere. Then you have that gorgeous bag that you want everyone to see you with but the gorgeous bag is usually an asshole or costs a lot of money. Then you have those other purses that you really like but you really don't want to be seen with."

"You should have a guy that makes you feel happier, not upset. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for."

-- all quotes by Lauren Conrad

---

Hmm, what happens when the boy who makes you happiest is the one that makes you cry too?...

I miss laguna beach back in middle school :( nothing will ever replace it and I absolutely adore Lauren's quotes because they are the main ones I lived by and still do..

-Lisa

Why, hello August.

---

Even now, I still hope for the best even in life's worst situations. I wish for it to get better, I pray for the strength to get through. And I've realised that I can't do it alone. As much as I'd like to, as much as I want to be able to stand on my own two feet without the need to lean on someone else for support, I've found that I need to. I'm not strong enough to do it alone. I enjoy the solitude, and at times I think that this seclusion is what I want but in the end I need someone there to assure me that everything will be fine. I need someone to hold my hand even in life's toughest moments. I think I need you.

-mypaperairoplane

---

Feels like the summer days have come and are going by super fast.. I don't even know where all the days have gone to. All my days are starting to mix into one and I can barely remember what I did the other the day. I just want things to stop and cherish all the small things that happen, but as much as I want that to happen, I cant because time stops for no one.

Than my mind always starts to wonder to simpler times, when my heart knew nothing of heart ache and pain.. but that's living in a naive world, a world that I need to move away from. I'm starting to slowly realize that I can't just wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. I'm not going to be that girl anymore. I can't be her.

I think of last summer and compare it to this one. And sure last summer was a time of no cares and all out fun, but this summer has made me grow up a whole lot. More than a mere 2 month should be able to do.. but that's just what I need.

-Lisa

Heal.

"Love with forgiveness is the most successful kind of love."

---

For some reason I feel like I'm struggling. Struggling to hold on, or to let go. It's as though the person I've been striving to be is being put on hold because I've just become so indecisive on all my decisions.. and I never used to be this way. I know that every decision you make, big or small, will make an impact on your life in some way. I guess that's why I seem to always bite my tongue when it comes to saying what's on my mind or I simply have nothing to say.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm re-opening healing wounds (metaphorically of 'course), and I never am getting the chance to just let myself heal. That's my bad on always over-analyzing every little thing. It's a habit I need to break because if I don't, I know that I'm just going to end up being a mess.. not like that hasn't happened before. But I want to be able to to say that I'm okay and mean it without a second thought having to cross my mind.

And honestly I just get tired to the point where I become passive and un-motivated. I look at my old blogs and see how passionate I used to be but than again that's when my heart was naive and I never really knew of real pain. And now that I've seen it I've become more cautious. But I want to be passionate again.

I want to be that girl who never let anything phase her. I really don't know what happened to her, but I really really want her back..

-Lisa

Midnight Realization

When you love someone, it will always stay there. I have to believe that even though we go our separate ways, we still will be connected by this bond, forever. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but I know it's a true thing. I know that no matter where you go or who it's with, we will always be connected. And when we look up at the stars. When we know it was real and it was why we're who we are.

---

I have no idea why I'm awake at midnight..I had a sudden urge to just just get up out of bed. Not exactly sure why, but a bunch of things just kept going through my mind. I hate it when this happens because I feel like my whole mind set gets thrown off and I'm left to ponder if the decisions that I'm making are rational or am I just listening to my heart too much at this point.. I've always been the type of girl who would go straight to my heart and it didn't matter what anyone else would say to me, if my heart felt right than I'd do exactly what it said and go in that direction.

Although my heart has endured enough in the past you'd think I'd be smarter to "put up" my walls. But no, I always end up taking them down again.

I think it may be due to the fact that I give people the benefits of the doubt and I give out too many chances. Maybe it's because I still believe that there is good in people and no matter what the situation is, I continue to look for the good. I know it's a naive way to think of it but I just can never think of people being so cruel. I mean, everyone has a heart.. maybe they'd follow theirs in the right direction.

It's time for a realization; I need to grow up and accept that this world is just full of people with different hearts, intentions, and motives. But I'm still going to follow mine despite of the negativity reactions due to my actions. If I'm making mistakes, than I'm going to learn from them on my own.

-Lisa

Keep Going.

My mind starts to re-play, re-analyzing.. and I know I shouldn't because I know once I do, those steps I took forward to moving on goes to waste as I'm pushed back, but no; a part of me is just strong enough to keep running to where I want to be.

But oh, how I hate running away from things. But it seems like that's the only thing I'm good at now a days.. running away. Hmmm,

Anyways, lately I've been having a lot of days to myself and it feels nice to sit out on my back porch and write again or catch up on my reading.. well I guess I should be starting on my summer homework that's just sitting on my window sill. I'll get to it evenutally. But that's besides the point. I've had days to figure out exactly what I want to be doing.

Hitting senior year just screams a whole different change.. a change I need to make. I need to start getting "serious" as most people tell me..

Serious.

-Lisa

David Choi - Won't Even Start

What happened
after last summer
when we broke up
in September

I havent seen you
Feels like a long time
Sometimes it still hurts
But I always get by

I still got a piece of you under my skin
Its always there no matter where Ive been

So if I ever see you on the street
Ill pretend that I didnt see
And turn my face
No use in small talk anyways

Because if I look into your eyes
Then Ill have to say goodbye
And thatll break my heart
So I wont even start
I wont even start

I wish you luck
And I wish it true
Thats the best
I can do for you

Cuz youll probably find love
In someone new
I have to let go
Yeah its hard to do

So if I run into you with your arm by his side
Just know itll cut me like a knife

So if I ever see you on the street
Ill pretend that I didnt see
And turn my face
No use in small talk anyways

Because if I look into your eyes
Then Ill have to say goodbye
And thatll break my heart
So I wont even start
I wont even start

ONE <3

"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes

all you need is one."

-One Tree Hill

I've finally found that one boy who makes me feel indescribable. The only boy who can make me smile through out any circumstance. The one boy who finally taught me to let down my guard and to trust again.. even through out all the obstacles and hard times there's no other boy I would've wanted to go through it all but with him. I don't think anyone else can get me but him..

-Lisa

Baby, summer time.

I believe in love, in arguing, in jamming out by yourself in the car. I believe in smiling til your cheeks hurt and laughing until you cry. I believe in having someone tell you you're beautiful, dancing in the rain, and miracles. I believe in second chances, even if you've completely screwed up.

---

It's starting to feel like summer. No stresss.. just everything at ease. Well at least for now. But it's feeling good and I'm liking it. I just wish the weather would start getting nicer damn it >.<" I hate living in Washington sometimes. I'd rather be out in the sunshine in Cali or something. But than I think about it and all my friends (like my bestfraaan Vinh Tran) and family are here so that's the plus side living in this gloomy state.

I can't help but think how fast things are going, I always wanna pause but that's no fun. I think from now on I'm just going to enjoy everything that passes me by. There's no use in being sad or hung up about anything. It's better to move on and be happy. Because honestly life is way to short to be spending it with a frown! Haha, I just realized how corny this is sounding, but it's basically true.

I'm kinda not sure what direction I'm pointing this blog towards, but it was just for the sake of blogging cause I need to get back into the habit of it. It feels so much better to vent things out cause I really can't hold things in anymore.

-Lisa

Babylovee.

"Every relationship has problems, but what makes it perfect is if you still wanna be there when things really suck."<3

---

I never have put so much in a relationship as I am right now, but than again I've never fallen this hard for anyone before. Usually when things got bad I'd be passive and say whatever, than leave. I just can't do that anymore..especially when considering the fact that I can't just walk away because it would hurt far too much..I genuinely care about him and I've never cared about anyone else as much as I do for him.

Looking back at what we've gone through, it's been a struggling fight to stay together. But at the end of the day I knew that there was no one else that I'd rather be fighting with and fighting for but him. A lot of people would think, "Why put up with all of it?" And all I gotta say in return is that being him is worth it, it's worth everything. Sometimes you have to fight and fall a part in order to pick yourselves back up, put together and get stronger.

I believe that when you fall in love, faults are accepted and mistakes are forgiven for. It took us a little over 2 months to start saying "I love you".. and when I did finally say it I realized how much I had meant it and I'm not the kinda a girl to just be throwing it around..

Now a days people through around the word love like it's nothing. I know people always say don't say you "hate" anything because that's a strong word, but the word "love" is just as strong, if not stronger..

I know for a fact that I have fallen in love with him and that whatever life throws at us, we can take it.

I love you Bryce Jackson.

-Lisa

Breather.

Humans have a knack for choosing

precisely the things that are worst for them.

--Albus Dumbledor

I love that feeling. You know, the one you get when you take a deep breath and suddenly everything feels like it's going to be okay. When you're hopeless as can be, and life is going nowhere, there's those moments we have every now and then where we just stop, and we get this feeling, that can't be described, but you just.. you just feel like everything really is going to be okay. Like the world stopped spinning for a second, and everything was clear.

I need more of those moments.

-Lisa

Forgiveness.

"Be with who makes you happy,

even if it means you're always running back"

---

My mind races and it's not like I have any other choice but to over analyze everything that I do or yet other's actions either.. I mean who doesn't? You're true being is shown through your actions. Mistakes, regrets, both things that hold people back from moving forward.

The most simple thing to move forward with life is to forgive. I hate the saying forgive and forget because in the end you'll never forget.. no one can ever truely forget anything. When something hurts the memory will forever be there. But by forgiving it's a bigger step because than you've accepted what's happen, you won't dwell on it and you move on.

Before I would always just say that I'll forget things, "its okay." It never really is. I've found it easier to just forgive.. Even though it's hard you just can't run away from things.

I know by now that no one can ever really know a person's situation unless they go through it themselves, but even so, it's never really the same. No one can honestly say that they know you feel from a moment something happened. Everyone deals things in their own separate ways.

And by now, my heart is overwhelmed.. but it won't ever hold me back from being the person who will love, forgive and will continue taking risks, even if it means getting hurt..

-Lisa

Love, Hurt, Forgive?

I believe in karma,

what you give is what you get returned.

I believe you can't appreciate real love

till you've been burned.

I believe the grass is no more greener

on the other side.

I believe you don't know what you've got

until you say goodbye.

---
Sometimes I think it's easier to run, run as far as you can until you can't keep going. Or at least until you fall and realize you gotta slow down. But running away from your problems won't make them disappear. The farther you run, the more you realize once you get to your destination.. the problem will still be there.

I've said it many times.. that I am naive and maybe I don't know what I'm doing, but at least I've taken the chance. Right? But way to wear your heart on your sleeve girl. You're a walking sign for a broken heart. Oh well, I'd rather be broken for taking a chance than not knowing what it would be like to fall in love in the first place..

At least I'm lucky enough to have friends to turn to that will tell me things straight up, the more I hear the truth it's harder to face it. But that's the slap in the face that I need. The push that I need to do what I have to do because I know I'm a strong person, that I deserve better.. even thinking into the fact, the only person I want to be with is him..

It's just hard to think the person you love, the person that you gave your heart, your all to can do something like this. What's stupid enough is giving a second chance.. I don't know. I've always seen the situation and thinking wow, why would you stay? But I love him too much to just let go.. and he knows that. I just don't want to be the fool again..

I mean, I've been burned and cheated on before but never like this, and it's never hurt this bad. I want to hate him so bad but at the same time I just want him to tell me everything will be fine. I guess now I know what it means to feel a love/hate relationship. But I don't like it at all, not one bit.

Who would've thought the one person that makes you the happiest can hurt you the worst. But that's just it, you love them so much that you'd think they'd never hurt you.

I just need to stop thinking about this.

-Lisa

PS.

I will always love you, regardless. =/

Summertime?!

Shame on me! >:[ I haven't updated in almost over a month now and I have a lot to catch up on! It's already summmer! But stupid Washington weather has to kill the feeling with the ickyness outside. But where to even start with this blog, I'm not even sure. I used to blog about anything and everything and now it seems harder for me to just sit down and write about what's going on cause I'm always just up and about doing my thing. I guess that should be a good thing, right? I don't know. I do need to at least starting writing some where again because like I've always said before writing is a a huge part of venting it and I just hate holding things on.

It's felt like I've been doing that a lot lately. But I think I'm getting better at holding things in, but that's something I shouldn't be doing..

Hmph, well let me starting blogging about what I first intended to write on,and that's about junior year being finally over and now I can't wait to tackle on senior year. I'm glad that I passed the argumentative paper cause that was a huge weight lifted off my shoulder. And now it's just one more year and it times to be out in the big world. I'm scared but excited at the same time. There's so much that I need to do and I have such a small amount of time to do it all. So much I need to decide on and I just can't dwell on anything cause the time for everything is now.. and there's nothing that is gonna stop me. I fell and have picked up myself. But this time, I'm not exactly doing it alone. I can defently say at this point I have learned to surround myself with the most important people in my life and there's no doubt with who they are. They are the one's I turn to with the BIG details and even the smallest ones.

Yepp, my blogging skills are a little rusty at this moment. But I will be blogging more: count on it! :)

-Lisa

Loosing?

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.

---

Ever feel like the weather is reading your heart? Or that maybe you try really hard to hide your feelings yet you're afraid that maybe, just maybe someone out there knows your lying? Put on that front like nothing is wrong?..

I've learned the hard way that keeping things bottled up inside is not the way to go. Emotions piling up over another just gets you overwhelmed. I'm glad to say that over the past year I've learned to let go of my pride and let people in. As scaring as it may seem to be vulnerable I took down the walls.. and by doing so I've made friends with the most amazing girls that I can see always being by my side..

and I have the most amazing boyfriend. I can trust him with so much of my heart but that's the thing with relationships, it's giving the other person the ability to break your heart but trusting them not to. And that's just it, is trust. You can't hold a good relationship with out it. He makes me so happy, it's ridiculous! Of 'course no relationship out there is perfect. There's always gonna be arguing and disagreements, but all of that just makes you stronger.

-Lisa

Mhmm.

---
I don't understand this weather. Rain is a total bummer :( I just want this week to go by cause so far I can't find much to look forward to but my weekend. I used to be really excited about school but now it's whateverrr to me because lately I've just been getting by. I fall asleep in class at least 4 times a day -_-" It's embarrassing when the teacher has to wake you up. Ugh, I can't wait for senior year and to be out. High school is not the best of years of your lives..

Although I must say that I adore spending time with the boyfriend. He most def. makes my day at school, even for the short period of time. He's the only boy who has really been able to bring out the better in me and makes me feel indescribable.

-Lisa

Get by.

Something about you feels right.
And I don't know why.
But I feel more comfortable around you,
Than any other person in this world.
Which to me, Means a lot.
So don't let this slip by. I cant let you get by.

---
I'm torn to doing the right thing and following my heart. How can doing something wrong feel so right? That's life at it's work, I guess. I'm just scared. I don't want to regret doing anything, but if I haven't done anything wrong than how come I feel this guilt? I'm confused and scared..

-Lisa

Father.

---
Last night I got a call about the marketing internship and I'm going to be trained on Saturday but ahh, I'm excited/nervous. I don't even know why. I've always wanted to do this and it's finally happening.

I told my dad about it and I wish I would've gotten a little more enthusiasm from him, but nahh. I came home too late and anyways he was already drunk so it's not like he was comprehending how great an opportunity this is. Instead he just rambled on about how he learned how to make money by the time he was 13. I love my dad and I understand of everything he's been through and how thankful I am to what we have today, but he talks to me like I'm 6. Whenever we argue and it starts getting heated and he starts to see that his little girl actually knows of current events and I just might me right he says, "You're just too young to understand any of this."

Most of my relatives see me as the spoiled girl who only knows how to spend daddy's money.. but it's so annoying. They don't see how dysfunctional our relationship is. I've been getting this on/off relationship with him for the past 7 years and I've hated for more than half of it. I talked to him maybe twice a week? But can you blame me, he was never there for anything. Moments in my life where I wish he could be there, that would make any father proud. But every accomplishment I make, I look into the crowd and see unfamiliar faces and realize that its just me that I'm facing. Every thing that would make a parent proud he says nothing to when I tell him. I guess that's why I've learned to be so hard on myself. I've never really had anyone, but than again that's the reason why I've learned not to lean on anyone for anything.

I know many people out there don't even have someone they can call dad so what do I have to complain about? It's just hard having a dad who's right there but he's so absent in my heart that I have other father figures to go to. I feel bad when my mom talks to me about him because I just have nothing to say. I remember one time she asked me why I hated him. I just sat there quietly and said I didn't. What was there to say? 17 years of my life has passed and my dad still has no idea what kind of person I am. I don't even think he knows what my favorite color is.

At the end of the day I guess I'm just thankful that he's here, I just wish he learned to take more of an initiative to what I have to say..

-Lisa

Up Date

I've been needing to update! Days have been going by that I don't even know what to do with myself sometimes but get all caught up in it.
The highlights;
Finished that argumentative paper.
I went to prom with my giiirls! It was so much fun :)
My cumulative gpa is above a 3.0 and I'm keeping it that way!
.. so much more I just can't think!

Above it all I think I'm just starting to like how things are turning out. I haven't been this happy about things in soo long. Can I say life finally feels good? I think so. I use to just stress and stresss but things are just starting to fall into place.

I guess I've just learned to stop caring about what other people say. I used to be all hung up on how people leave.. but it's the people that stay that I give my all too. There's no point in hoping and fighting for people to come back. That's such a waste of time.

-Lisa

Feeelings,

I find that in your arms, I feel safe.
I feel that in your mind, I feel wanted.
I find that in your eyes, I feel me.
I find that in your heart, I feel love.

---
Sometimes I hate having the emotions of a giirl. I can't help but see how emotionless guys can be. It seems so easy. But I'm just that kind of person.. I care.. Maybe I care too much. Is that such a bad thing? It could be that I over think too or that I tend to over analyze situations more than a normal person would. Well if that's wrong than I don't want to be right.

-Lisa

Hmmm.

I'm happy that the MATH WASL is over. Screw failing by a few points -_-" I took it, and all I was thinking was wow I cannot believe I didn't pass this last year! It's whateverr, it wasn't like it took me that long to finish it anyways. But I wish I could've been able to sleep in like a lot of other people did. I'll be mad/sad if I don't pass again this year =/

School has just been sucking lately. I just can't focus. Maybe it's just the fact that it is the last quarter and I'm so anxious for senior year! I want it here soo bad. I hate high school, whoever said they're supposed to the best years of your life was totally wrong. I especially hate that argumentative paper. That has been stressing me out the most these days just because it's a huge requirement for graduation.

Oh yeah! before I forget Dance team had their last performance last Friday. And boy did it feel good to leave it all out on the floor. I'm sad because our coach is leaving next year but over all this year was good for the first year. I wish it could've gone smoother but it's finee. I can't wait for next year and try outs!

But anyways! Enough with school and such..

I told Ashley I would blog about our eventful day with Carrie and Jason! Hahaha. First we were just hanging out at her house watching Disney channel ;), went to coinstar at Albertsons and come back, than I got to meet Carrie's boyfriend! Went to the mall, walked around and looked for someone (who we never found) so Jason could pay for his phone. Went to borders. Then we said we were going to go to the beach but instead went to the cemetery to go to Rucker's tombstone (he was the pioneer of Everett, look it up!) Thank goodness it was still daylight cause it was soo creepy walking through the cemetery. Then Jason and I decided we wanted to go down the hill.. Ashley said we were stepping on people, but we were being super careful! So, we are going to go back on May 27th? @ night. Who wants go?! Haha. Then ended up back at Carries, chatted more and Ashley & I pulled yet another frogger attempt to get home. Don't worry we made it even though Ashley almost got hit, but I saved her. Your welcome Ashley, I love you :)

-Lisa





PS. I have come to the conclusion that I will die young, ask me about it.

<3

LOVE is when you don't want to go to sleep, because your real world is better than your dream world. - Dr. Seuss

---
I never thought that we'd be where we are today. He makes me feel like I can by total self around him, and I haven't felt like I could be this way around another person in awhile. I just love the way that we're both are on the same page and what ever happens will happen but in the end it'll be us. We'll face it together.

-Lisa

Spring Break,

Wow, I never thought I would spend my spring break the way I had. I said I would stay focused, get all my shit done and party up. Haha. I gotta get my party life and reality in check at times. But sometimes you just gotta say fuck it, ya know?

I don't know. Seemed like some stupid drama in the beginning, and so far I've been done with dealing with it all. It sounds cliche but in the end, when you give it time everything just seems to turn out the way you want it to.

-Lisa

Quote this;

"The greatest irony of love; loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life. And sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person. Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being love too little. As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them, we are just for passig time while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. So here's a piece of advice; let go when you're hurting too much, give up when love isn't enough, and move on when things are not like before. For sure there is someone out there who will love you even more."

Help me.

I'm tired of being tired, and I'm fed up with giving up. Worst thing is, I hate being right about all the wrong circumstances. . It's funny how predictable things can get. It's all just so fake to me now. I wanna meet someone genuine. Who deosn't give me the same bullshit that every other guy has to say because I really have heard it all before.

I just hate how much this all gets to me. I've been losing sleep, I can't focus in school. I just sit there starting blankly 'till someone says, "hey are you okay?" So many times I want to say no, but I don't burden people with my problems. And that's the thing, I'm not even sure what the heck my problem has been lately. I've been such an emotional wreck, yet I still can smile and laugh when coverstating with someone..

I always say that it's time to pick up the pieces and move on. I've always felt like I've never really needed anyone to hold my hand. I've always said I can't do myself. But now a this point I just need someone to listen. . Lately I've just felt so alone and it's stupid. Just to sit and think what happened? and how did I get to this point?

I need help.

-Lisa

Lesson Learned.

I've learned a lot.
I've learned that everything does happen for a reason.
I've learned that everyone I've met has helped me to grow and learn in some way, whether they've been there as support or to make my life a living hell, it still helped me learn.
I've learned to just accept things and not question things too much.
I've learned not to take things too seriously because it just stresses you out too much.
I've learned to suck it up, keep my head up, and continue on with life like it didn't bother me at all. I've learned that you have to make mistakes in order to learn from them.
And most importantly, I know that whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, because I'm still fighting like hell to hold on.

-Lisa

<|3

---
It's weird, loving someone. Falling in love with someone. Loving someone at the wrong time. . I don't know. My heart has been feeling well, nothing. I don't mean to sound so morbid but I remember how I used to get the butterflies and I'd be so happy. But now it's like you can happy with someone for just a little while. Than it all fades away and you're left with the distant memory, I guess in the words of Dr.Seuss "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I'm living by that quote day by day it seems.

I guess I miss him more than I thought I would. Each day it gets harder to move on, to forget. But I really don't want to. I shared so much first with him, that I can't let go. Each time I meet someone new, I always think of how they aren't you. No one could ever replace who you are to me. Than I start to feel bad, I feel disgusted.

It's not as though he knows anything of this. I never really said anything to him because I've known how things would end up being between us. Just friends. I hate myself for not saying but that's that. I'm just happy that he's happy and living on with his life, that's all I can ask for.

-Lisa

My 20 Statements;3/16/09

a.) List things you want to say to 20 people
b.) Don’t say who they are towards
c.) Feel free to receive comments but don’t confirm anything
d.) Never discuss it again
e.) The whole point is to let go of all those things left unsaid

---
1.) Still hurts to know where your priorities stand. After years of building up, making plans, it all crumbled within months over the most ridiculous reason. I've let it all slide for so long, but I've forgiven soo much.. just sucks to know I can't trust you to be there like it used to be, like we promised.

2.) You mean soo much to me, and you have no idea.. well maybe. You've helped me to become the person that I am today. Without you I wouldn't have learned to be as strong, to open my eyes and to quit being naive! I love that you always tell me straight up that I'm being stupid. I like that no matter what you're always at the top my list, even though we don't get to see each other a lot..

3.) Giiirrrrl, you're most def. my best. We think so much alike that it's completely scary. I like that we talk about things straight up, even though some things we say seem heartless but aye! The truth hurts. We don't fight, even when we're not together we're txting each other making sure we're both out SAFE! Hahaha, I love that! & I already tell you on a day to day basis that I love you!

4.) I miss you, I miss us. I miss how we used to be. How you would always say that you want to spend time together. But in the back of my mind I couldn't help but think that I was the filler to your schedule.. I still think about you, wondering how you're doing.. even when we casually see each other it's just not the same. I can see that you don't see me the same anymore, but I'm glad that we're both able to move one.. and somewhat be friends.

5.) Hella glad how our friendship is turning out, since middle school to now. Even though we see each other occasionally, I like that we always get some time to catch up on things. Once once we do get together it don't even seem like that much time passes by. But I know that I can always rely on you to be there.

6.) I have such mixed feelings towards you. Once second I'm missing you the next I'm wishing that I never even met you in the first place. But I know deep down in my heart I'm glad I did. I'mma forever hold onto how we were and the days we got to spend together, even though it was such a short period of time. All my friends tell me that I gotta move and and that's what I'm trying to do but it's hard because I gave you such a huge part of me that I can't get back.. but I can't wait for you to come back.

7.) I can't believe how shady you are. I used to be chilled with you but now I realize how much shit you talk about people. You needa get a life and quit getting all twisted up in everyone elses.

8.) I'll always have your back cause I know you gots mine! You're such an easy person to get along with, I think its hella stupid how much shit people talk but it's the people that don't know facts who talk.

9.) You're one of the guys who have really been there for me. We can just talk about stuff and I know I get mad, you get mad. But it's whatever because in the end we're both there for each other. You live to freakin' far though! Which sucks :( but if I could you know I'd kidnap you and keep you in Everett forever! Hahaha.

10.) I regret ever walking away the first time a year go but I'm happy that we're getting a second chance to rebuild our relationship.

11.) You have it so twisted. I truly cherish our friendship but sometimes I think you take it for granted and take the things I do the wrong way. I try so hard to get things straight with you, but somehow I always seem to feel that when things get bad, it's ALL my fault. I wish you would own up to the things you say and do because they get all misconstrued.

12.) I wish we could see each other more often, but it always seems like you're caught up hanging with your boys. So I just step aside and let you have that time. But I just we had more time to spend with each other like old times.. but than again you can't always be living in the past..

13.) What happened to just me & you?

14.) It's nice to know that I still cross your mind.. and when I got your phone call, I wasn't expecting to hear from you at all. I really wish I could see, visit you. But it's just hard. I hate that I haven't called because I never know when to. I wish I could've said something, done something so you wouldn't have done what you did, but it's too late. But it's nice to know that you feel like you can still count on me and I promise that I will be once this is all done and over with.

15.) Keep your head up and forget those boys. I know you're such a strong girl and you're independent and you don't need anyone holding your hand to get you where you're going. Even though I'm older, its sometimes you that's teaching me a few things about this so called life. Keep your passions close and just live life without searching.. it'll be better that way.

16.) Funny to think, I thought you were my first love but I was soo wrong. After talking with you again I'm glad we went our separate ways. I guess that conversation was the closure I really needed.

17.) I don't think you're a good person at all. You're pretty selfish, a jerk and don't care about anyone else but yourself and getting your way. I hope you're happy cause you got it, I guess.. after no one else really wanted it anymore.

18.) I remember how I would tell you that it's okay that you left me hanging.. but I was wrong. I still know you care, even though you show it the weirdest ways. But it's nice to know we're still friends and to this day things aren't awkward between us.. as I look back to the beginning I wish I could've done something to change the way it was but its okay now.

19.) I LOVE seeing you bite off my style. I get a kick out of it ;)

20.) I'm getting tired of hearing the arguing and fighting. Every time I come around I see you guys putting on a front.. and I wish you didn't because I can still hear it..

DEAR YOU,

Thank you, thank you for taking a huge part of me as you left to be on the other side of the world. But you took it in the easiest way possible.. leaving it all left unsaid. All I can hope for this the better. And .. feel free to not think about me. It's okay if we don't talk anymore (although I still enjoy keeping in contact every once in awhile), because I understand. I gave you a part of me that I can never get back and I knew that since day 1 of meeting you and on the upcoming days we would spend together.

The first time you left, I didn't care. I put on a front like it was nothing, I didn't know you! but once you came back again and you wanted to see me.., my heart felt something it shouldn't have. And I'm not going to lie, it felt so good to see you again. To be with you.. but you're gone now and this time there's no telling when you'll be back again and I can't do the whole missing you, waiting for you thing anymore. Wondering if it'll still be the same when you come back. When I know, I'm not the only one. I've always known a guy like you couldn't just stay with one. I knew I wasn't the only one but you would say things, do things that made it all seem otherwise. Yes, it was naive on my part but all I could think of was spending as much time as I could with you before you would be gone. Selfish - maybe a little bit.. c'mon now, I didn't even want to go to your going away a party but I didn't want to live with the regret of not saying good-bye to you.

That night felt so fucked up and I was a total emotional wreck and did things I shouldn't have. But as the hour hit down to when you had to leave to catch your plane, it all hit me and it was harder to say goodbye than I thought it would be.

Its a bitter sweet situation but it's okay. That's all I can feel is :"fine" without you anymore. I need to move on away from you, but I still can't wait for you to come back. I fell all twisted inside and I'm not sure what to do. Honestly, I got so screwed up since meeting you..but at the same time I'm glad. Maybe it was all bad timing, faith let us meet for a reason and I'll forever hold on to how much you mean to me. I'll just leave it as that.

-Lisa

3.12.09

I don't have a fear of commitment; I have a fear of abandonment. We all screw things up. I screw things up, especially with the people I love. I get needy, I get moody, I get distant, I want to be too close. I get confused, I don't understand all of it. But I keep pushing because of this thing called hope.

---
Things have been SUPER hectic. I cannot believe that it is already the middle of March! Where did all the freakin time go?! I'm in a total rush of trying to get all my grades up.. I'm slipping and its hella bad. I can't help but think I fucked up my junior year. . the most crucial year! =/ I'm soo disappointed in myself at the moment, but I'm tryna put my all to finish this year off right! I'm currently starting on my argumentative paper. [Cross my fingers that I pass] My topic is on noncomformity, so thats not too bad.. I'm just getting lost on how to cite my sources and such. But so far its all goood. First draft is due Monday though. I'm getting on it so I don't have to go to school early next week. I just wish we could've been able to start on the paper earlier, cause I know it's stressing a lot of people.

But anyways, on a brighter note! Dance team has gotten their sweat outfits (= . . even though I was the LAST person to get them. Our final performance is in April at the pep rally. Its whateverr, I can't wait for tryouts and a NEW team of committed dancers.. Well at least what I'm hoping for. We NEED to do more fundraisers though. Errrrrg. Gets me all frustrated. But dancing is supposed to relieve the stress! I'm all twisted up. Haha.

I don't even know what else to blog about, I know I just haven't posted up in a loooong time. Stupid schedule. I'm going to try more often but we'll see.. So now I need to get back on my paper! >:[

-Lisa

Handwritten

[Click the image to read!]

If You Really Knew Me, You Would Know..

that I'm completely self-conscious about my appearance, although I act confident.
that I don't take compliments well.
that I love the thought of being in love, but I never have been.
that I constantly give my all to get nothing in return, but I've learned to let it all go.
that I've learned to not be bitter anymore.
that my sister means more to me than she will ever know.
that I have a dis functional relationship with my family.
If my parents knew the real me, I would be disowned.
that I hate admitting to my mistakes, but I face them everyday.
that I regret things too much and I always punish myself for it.
that I know that I'm a hypocrite.
there's not a moment that goes by and I don't wish that I could become a better person.
that if I were to go back in time, I would tell myself to suck it up and quit crying over all the small things that happen but to cry when I want to the most.
that I think my friends are too good for me and I don't deserve them.
that I care far too much for my own good.
that I will always believe there is good in everyone, somewhere..
that my heart comes first before my head and guts.
that even in a room full of people, I still manage to feel alone.

-Lisa

Whoaa,

Hold up, wait a minute. Has it really been almost a month since my last blog? I've been one busy girl and time isn't stopping. It seems like it just keeps rolling by. I'm already starting to register for my senior year and and it's a mufckn pain >:[ I'm so confused on what I wanna do but I can't mess up like I am this year. So far I've decided on doing leadership again even though I'm scared as hell to do it all over again. But it's been a good experience and this year just gives me an advantage for the next. Than pre-cal and physics.. yayyyyy.

On a brighter note, next week I'm heading to Bellevue for the weekend for the DECA State Conference. 2nd year babyy ;) Go to www.wadeca.org and check out my candidate video. Corny but I'm swaaaying the votes! and I wanna make it to Cali in April. I need to start studying asap, I need a get 80%! but I'm hella busy! But I got a weeeek.. Ugh, I'm starting to get sleep deprived. No joke! I fall asleep in a lot of my classes. It's getting embarassing but I find sleeping at my desk more soothing than in my own bed, go figure.

I honestly do need to manage my time better. Sometimes it feels like I'm getting a lot done but when I look at everything in a whole, I've actually only put a minor dent to what needs to be done over-all.

So last week in 1st period we had a speaker Mike Matt (Yeah that's his name!), he spoke to us about our future, not to take things for advantage, and to see yourself for how you want to be seen. Everyone got really emotional..we went around the room and would finish this statement, "If you really knew me, you would know..[fill in the blank.]" It could be a serious like, you know I'm completely self-conscious or something as silly as I enjoy a watching Sunday cartoons. It's interesting to hear what people have to say..it got me thinking,

If you really knew me, you would know . . to be continued.

-Lisa

Hm.

"Lost love is still love, it just takes a different form, that's all. You can't hold their hand, you can't tousle their hair. But when those senses weaken nother one comes to life...memory. Memory becomes your partner. You hold it, you dance with it. Life has to end. Love doesn't."
-The Five People You Meet In Heaven

Overdue.

Maybe it's been long overdue, but I've been keeping my mouth shut and its about that time to just let it all go. I've been holding on and just hoping that you'll come around, say something, anything. But that's what hope does, it leaves you hanging 'till the very end and this is what it is, the end. I guess I was in denial for a bit, I mean its difficult to know that you don't care, or you just have a really bad way of showing it. People ask me and all I say is "Yeah we're still friends..I think." I mean how do I respond when we barely speak..last time I saw you was when I gave you back your sweater..

But why is that everyone responds, "I'm sorry." There's no need to apologize for it. The relationship was over and "Oh, its okay." is all I can say in return, what is there to say? Am I supposed to say, yeah I miss him everyday, I miss everything, holding hands, stealing kisses, the late summernights, sleepovers, sneaking out, long good-byes in front of my driveway, forcing him to watch OTH, getting caught in the rain, just how we used to be, how he was the only one that made me get those kinda crazy butterflies..

Nope, that's just it. I smile, reassuring them that I am in fact fine.

I know it seems to all be bitter sweet but I now that I'll never forget.. I'll forever hold onto it all. My friends tell me to move on and that's all I can really do right now but to follow their advice. I've been on my own before and I have no problem doing it all over again. I just know how its hard to stop missing him like I do.

"Sometimes things fall a part in order for better things to fall into place."

-Lisa

Siick of it.

Are you okay? What's wrong? Are you sure? Fuck, I don't know anymore. Don't ask me, if I reply "Yes" Just don't question me. Lately, my emotions seem to be off the charts. I'm just tired of it, I guess. I'm not sure how else to explain things. My heart just hasn't been feeling for it anymore. Right now I'm just finding it easier to feel whatever, than anything else because by doing that I don't get hurt. I know that I've been screwing up, all I say is sorry, its not enough, I can be more. I know this, I know it. But I can't help but repeating it over again.

I just want to be happy again. I don't mean to sound morbid but it feels like a part of me is gone and I just need to find myself again. Funny though, it's at the worst time possible. I need to stop getting mad at myself. Shiiit happens and sometimes there's just nothing you can do about it. But I'm tired of always feeling like its always my fault but there's always someone else at the other end of every situation.

I want this weight to be lifted off my shoulders, to disappear.

-Lisa

Uhm,

Has it really only been less than a week since I last blogged?.. Odd. It somehow feels a lot longer to me. It could just be that everything just seems to be so time consuming and I really shouldn't be wasting any of it.

Let's start off that I'm done with my Finals! :) A whole load of stress off my shoulders. Can't wait for the freshness of a new semester. I really need to change some of my classes though. But I'm not going to worry about that until Tuesday..

Wow. That's funny, I just read that over again and I know I'll still be stressing out. But its okay. Statement of my life. Its okay.

-Lisa

Just a moment,

So I haven't really been blogging in awhile. I guess thats a good thing, but I don't want to lose writing things out. Being able to spill it all out because as of right now I'm holding things in and I don't want to all boil down to a breaking point. Cause that's how I feel and sometimes that all I can end up doing to relieve it all.

Lately there has been so many things going on. Look! we're in finals week already. I spent a good 5+ hours working on my english project which I should've spaced time out for doing, but my horrible habit of procrastination kicked in badly. Oh well, I present tomorrow and I hear winging it as my only option.

A quick update on how area went. Ashley and I placed 7th in our role play ;) Haha. But we're going to state to run for State Officers! I'm hella hesitant to doing it but if I don't give it a try, I'm always going to be left with thinking, what if's? I honestly have nothing to lose if I don't get the position, which is Vice-President of Communication :) I got the packet on Friday and its sooo long but I'm fine with it all. Excited but scared.

Hmmm, I really don't know what else to catch up. So another blog will be in order because I'm tired of typing now.

-Lisa

Nothing at all.

Next thing I know, the tears fall and I'm not exactly sure what to do to make it all stop. To make everything stop. Never have I let anything get to me as much as this. But hey look! Perfect timing. Kill me during finals week please. AND OH YEAH, DECA competition tomorrow. I'm excited/anxious/nervous :x I want to do so good but its been hard and I'm studying last minute for it, again. BUT I'm competeting with Ashley so that makes it better. She's honestly one of the only girls I can just talk to about anything. I know it totally corny but I would not even know what to do without her..

But I feel so drained, like everythings been taken out of me. But I guess its nothing new. But I can't just close the door on everything. Whatever move I make next, I know it won't be right. Even it it breaks my heart, its something I have to do.

I just don't want to give up. Help?

-Lisa

Having Hope.

If you can look at the sunset and smile, then you still have hope. If you can see the good in other people, then you still have hope. If you meet new people with a trace of excitement and optimism, then you still have hope. If you give people the benefit of the doubt, then you still have hope. If the suffering in others still fills you with pain, then you still have hope. If you still watch love stories or want endings to be happy, then you still have hope. If you can look at the past and smile, then you still have hope. If, when faced with bad and told everything is futile, you can still look up at the end of the conversation and say 'yeah, but...' then you still have so much hope. If you still offer your hand of friendship to those who have touched your life, then you still have hope. If you refuse to let a friendship die or accept that it must end, then you, very much, still have hope.

Follow?..

I haven't really been feeling in a "blogging mood". There's just waay too much going on that its hard to sum everything that happens in a nutshell for those who choose to read my blogs. I wanted this year to start off clean, fresh but everything seems to be more complicated than I wanted it to be. But I guess that's just what happens when you want something to happen so badly. Things just seem to get even more screwed up.

I want to turn the clock, change things. But I can't. I want people to be there, but they won't be. I feel lucky enough to have the people that I have now..

It's just getting harder to find a good balance. One second I'm feeling one way and the next, I do a complete 180. Will there ever be any consistency to these emotions? Sometimes I hate being a girl because no matter how much I argue with someone about the subject of girls being tooo emotional, its true. Whether we admit it or not, we're biiiiig crybabies. =/

Sorry guys for having a heart that beats and sometimes feels broken. But why am I apologizing?..when guys are the ones that barely show how they feel and leaves a girl guessing for days!

I'm just going to leave it at this;
The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention.. that sometimes your heart brings you to places you shouldn't be. Places that are as scary as they are exciting, and as dangerous as they are alluring. Sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead you to a happy ending. And that's not even the difficult part. The difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave it normal, you go into the unknown, and once you do, you can never go back.

I can't go back anymore, falling the same way as before. I need to move on from it all. But how?

-Lisa

Well what do you know,

For the best.

Lately, I've been feeling OK. I don't know whether or not if that that's a good thing at this point? But as I started questioning myself on this, a thought just popped up..

Why do I ALWAYS feel the need to have to question every little thing that happens in life?

So from this point on I'm going to try and just enjoy everything, as is. Forget being over-analytical. If I'm happy, I'm happy. I'm sad, I'll cry. Its no B.I.G..merely because everything happens for reason. Sometimes you have to be broken in order to find something else to fill the void and things need to fall a part in order for better things to happen. (Great quote)

I'm just hoping for this feeling to stay and for it to all turn around..

-Lisa

Someone.

I feel like I care far more than I should. I just feel like there's things that I do, the favor will never be returned. And lately, I've been wondering exactly how hard should I be trying? I don't feel like I can relate to that many people. In the hallways at school I look around and I wonder if anyone really takes me into account. But mostly, I look around me, and I see that every one's pretty much the same, and every one's so easy to figure out, and everyone is just as lost as everyone else. Ive just been so introverted lately, and I don't talk to anyone, (besides with the very few true friends I do have.) I just don't see the point in talking to people about pointless things like plans for the weekend, or clothes, or anything of the sort which will later on be forgotten. I'm starting to lose interest in being social because I see how temporary all of this is, and how meaningless it all is, and how all of the "problems" we have now won't even matter later on. I think I'm growing up too fast, and it's scary. I just don't see the point in talking to other people my age because they're so stubborn and close-minded and so confident in themselves that it hardly leaves room for conversation. And besides, I don't want to talk about meaningless things, I want to talk about things that actually matter, and I want to make a difference. But most of all, I want to find someone who feels the way I do. Because as introverted as I may sound, I don't want to be alone.

Someone talk to me.

-Lisa

Slightly Foolish.

So far I'm trying to get myself in a positive mind-set. Everything happens for a reason right? I just think I got myself into too deep this time.. It wasn't a waste of time. My heart just wasn't in it anymore. I just think its hard to keep giving when the other person isn't giving anything back in return. A relationship takes 2 here..

I still care as much as I have since day 1, but I just wish things could've been different. Anything? No, well than I'm not sure what else I can do than.

I don't want to leave it on a bad note, but I'm starting to feel like that's how its going to end up. I know that I'm going to forever hold onto everything. I'll never forget, because honestly being in this relationship had taught me so much. He had me take risk, learn to trust, but I cared far too much 'till it hurt.

I'm never going to say I didn't care because that would be a flat out lie. Can't help but think there's just soo much left un-said.

All I'm going to do now is move on.. It's not a total lost. As long as I still have my true friends and family by my side, than that's all I really need in life.

I just want someone to prove me wrong.

-Lisa