Hm.

"Lost love is still love, it just takes a different form, that's all. You can't hold their hand, you can't tousle their hair. But when those senses weaken nother one comes to life...memory. Memory becomes your partner. You hold it, you dance with it. Life has to end. Love doesn't."
-The Five People You Meet In Heaven

Overdue.

Maybe it's been long overdue, but I've been keeping my mouth shut and its about that time to just let it all go. I've been holding on and just hoping that you'll come around, say something, anything. But that's what hope does, it leaves you hanging 'till the very end and this is what it is, the end. I guess I was in denial for a bit, I mean its difficult to know that you don't care, or you just have a really bad way of showing it. People ask me and all I say is "Yeah we're still friends..I think." I mean how do I respond when we barely speak..last time I saw you was when I gave you back your sweater..

But why is that everyone responds, "I'm sorry." There's no need to apologize for it. The relationship was over and "Oh, its okay." is all I can say in return, what is there to say? Am I supposed to say, yeah I miss him everyday, I miss everything, holding hands, stealing kisses, the late summernights, sleepovers, sneaking out, long good-byes in front of my driveway, forcing him to watch OTH, getting caught in the rain, just how we used to be, how he was the only one that made me get those kinda crazy butterflies..

Nope, that's just it. I smile, reassuring them that I am in fact fine.

I know it seems to all be bitter sweet but I now that I'll never forget.. I'll forever hold onto it all. My friends tell me to move on and that's all I can really do right now but to follow their advice. I've been on my own before and I have no problem doing it all over again. I just know how its hard to stop missing him like I do.

"Sometimes things fall a part in order for better things to fall into place."

-Lisa

Siick of it.

Are you okay? What's wrong? Are you sure? Fuck, I don't know anymore. Don't ask me, if I reply "Yes" Just don't question me. Lately, my emotions seem to be off the charts. I'm just tired of it, I guess. I'm not sure how else to explain things. My heart just hasn't been feeling for it anymore. Right now I'm just finding it easier to feel whatever, than anything else because by doing that I don't get hurt. I know that I've been screwing up, all I say is sorry, its not enough, I can be more. I know this, I know it. But I can't help but repeating it over again.

I just want to be happy again. I don't mean to sound morbid but it feels like a part of me is gone and I just need to find myself again. Funny though, it's at the worst time possible. I need to stop getting mad at myself. Shiiit happens and sometimes there's just nothing you can do about it. But I'm tired of always feeling like its always my fault but there's always someone else at the other end of every situation.

I want this weight to be lifted off my shoulders, to disappear.

-Lisa

Uhm,

Has it really only been less than a week since I last blogged?.. Odd. It somehow feels a lot longer to me. It could just be that everything just seems to be so time consuming and I really shouldn't be wasting any of it.

Let's start off that I'm done with my Finals! :) A whole load of stress off my shoulders. Can't wait for the freshness of a new semester. I really need to change some of my classes though. But I'm not going to worry about that until Tuesday..

Wow. That's funny, I just read that over again and I know I'll still be stressing out. But its okay. Statement of my life. Its okay.

-Lisa

Just a moment,

So I haven't really been blogging in awhile. I guess thats a good thing, but I don't want to lose writing things out. Being able to spill it all out because as of right now I'm holding things in and I don't want to all boil down to a breaking point. Cause that's how I feel and sometimes that all I can end up doing to relieve it all.

Lately there has been so many things going on. Look! we're in finals week already. I spent a good 5+ hours working on my english project which I should've spaced time out for doing, but my horrible habit of procrastination kicked in badly. Oh well, I present tomorrow and I hear winging it as my only option.

A quick update on how area went. Ashley and I placed 7th in our role play ;) Haha. But we're going to state to run for State Officers! I'm hella hesitant to doing it but if I don't give it a try, I'm always going to be left with thinking, what if's? I honestly have nothing to lose if I don't get the position, which is Vice-President of Communication :) I got the packet on Friday and its sooo long but I'm fine with it all. Excited but scared.

Hmmm, I really don't know what else to catch up. So another blog will be in order because I'm tired of typing now.

-Lisa

Nothing at all.

Next thing I know, the tears fall and I'm not exactly sure what to do to make it all stop. To make everything stop. Never have I let anything get to me as much as this. But hey look! Perfect timing. Kill me during finals week please. AND OH YEAH, DECA competition tomorrow. I'm excited/anxious/nervous :x I want to do so good but its been hard and I'm studying last minute for it, again. BUT I'm competeting with Ashley so that makes it better. She's honestly one of the only girls I can just talk to about anything. I know it totally corny but I would not even know what to do without her..

But I feel so drained, like everythings been taken out of me. But I guess its nothing new. But I can't just close the door on everything. Whatever move I make next, I know it won't be right. Even it it breaks my heart, its something I have to do.

I just don't want to give up. Help?

-Lisa

Having Hope.

If you can look at the sunset and smile, then you still have hope. If you can see the good in other people, then you still have hope. If you meet new people with a trace of excitement and optimism, then you still have hope. If you give people the benefit of the doubt, then you still have hope. If the suffering in others still fills you with pain, then you still have hope. If you still watch love stories or want endings to be happy, then you still have hope. If you can look at the past and smile, then you still have hope. If, when faced with bad and told everything is futile, you can still look up at the end of the conversation and say 'yeah, but...' then you still have so much hope. If you still offer your hand of friendship to those who have touched your life, then you still have hope. If you refuse to let a friendship die or accept that it must end, then you, very much, still have hope.

Follow?..

I haven't really been feeling in a "blogging mood". There's just waay too much going on that its hard to sum everything that happens in a nutshell for those who choose to read my blogs. I wanted this year to start off clean, fresh but everything seems to be more complicated than I wanted it to be. But I guess that's just what happens when you want something to happen so badly. Things just seem to get even more screwed up.

I want to turn the clock, change things. But I can't. I want people to be there, but they won't be. I feel lucky enough to have the people that I have now..

It's just getting harder to find a good balance. One second I'm feeling one way and the next, I do a complete 180. Will there ever be any consistency to these emotions? Sometimes I hate being a girl because no matter how much I argue with someone about the subject of girls being tooo emotional, its true. Whether we admit it or not, we're biiiiig crybabies. =/

Sorry guys for having a heart that beats and sometimes feels broken. But why am I apologizing?..when guys are the ones that barely show how they feel and leaves a girl guessing for days!

I'm just going to leave it at this;
The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention.. that sometimes your heart brings you to places you shouldn't be. Places that are as scary as they are exciting, and as dangerous as they are alluring. Sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead you to a happy ending. And that's not even the difficult part. The difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave it normal, you go into the unknown, and once you do, you can never go back.

I can't go back anymore, falling the same way as before. I need to move on from it all. But how?

-Lisa

Well what do you know,

For the best.

Lately, I've been feeling OK. I don't know whether or not if that that's a good thing at this point? But as I started questioning myself on this, a thought just popped up..

Why do I ALWAYS feel the need to have to question every little thing that happens in life?

So from this point on I'm going to try and just enjoy everything, as is. Forget being over-analytical. If I'm happy, I'm happy. I'm sad, I'll cry. Its no B.I.G..merely because everything happens for reason. Sometimes you have to be broken in order to find something else to fill the void and things need to fall a part in order for better things to happen. (Great quote)

I'm just hoping for this feeling to stay and for it to all turn around..

-Lisa

Someone.

I feel like I care far more than I should. I just feel like there's things that I do, the favor will never be returned. And lately, I've been wondering exactly how hard should I be trying? I don't feel like I can relate to that many people. In the hallways at school I look around and I wonder if anyone really takes me into account. But mostly, I look around me, and I see that every one's pretty much the same, and every one's so easy to figure out, and everyone is just as lost as everyone else. Ive just been so introverted lately, and I don't talk to anyone, (besides with the very few true friends I do have.) I just don't see the point in talking to people about pointless things like plans for the weekend, or clothes, or anything of the sort which will later on be forgotten. I'm starting to lose interest in being social because I see how temporary all of this is, and how meaningless it all is, and how all of the "problems" we have now won't even matter later on. I think I'm growing up too fast, and it's scary. I just don't see the point in talking to other people my age because they're so stubborn and close-minded and so confident in themselves that it hardly leaves room for conversation. And besides, I don't want to talk about meaningless things, I want to talk about things that actually matter, and I want to make a difference. But most of all, I want to find someone who feels the way I do. Because as introverted as I may sound, I don't want to be alone.

Someone talk to me.

-Lisa

Slightly Foolish.

So far I'm trying to get myself in a positive mind-set. Everything happens for a reason right? I just think I got myself into too deep this time.. It wasn't a waste of time. My heart just wasn't in it anymore. I just think its hard to keep giving when the other person isn't giving anything back in return. A relationship takes 2 here..

I still care as much as I have since day 1, but I just wish things could've been different. Anything? No, well than I'm not sure what else I can do than.

I don't want to leave it on a bad note, but I'm starting to feel like that's how its going to end up. I know that I'm going to forever hold onto everything. I'll never forget, because honestly being in this relationship had taught me so much. He had me take risk, learn to trust, but I cared far too much 'till it hurt.

I'm never going to say I didn't care because that would be a flat out lie. Can't help but think there's just soo much left un-said.

All I'm going to do now is move on.. It's not a total lost. As long as I still have my true friends and family by my side, than that's all I really need in life.

I just want someone to prove me wrong.

-Lisa